The POKER FACE & the TRUE COLOUR

LOVE & HATE....

LOVE  & HATE are such strong #words, they aslo cause so much pain....said my my Grandmother one day. Ooh, she was right... so right.

When you are in love, you are in pain. I know, i know.. you are asking " why? how come? you are in love , you supposed to be happy?!"...yes, you are right...but think about it....when you are in LOVE, you love so uncondiciotnally,...so much that is hurt....hurts, beacuse you know that one day this can be over. and when is over...it will hurt, because all what you ever #loved, become you enamy and starting it to HATE.

You HATE the day, you set you eye on him/her, you hate the day you first time kissed, you hate the date first time you said "I LOVE YOU", you hate the moment first time you fell in love, you hate eveyrthing you ever had....

But lets go back to LOVE....what is is exactly? What does mean when someone tell you I LOVE YOU, what does mean when you say to someone I LOVE YOU, what does mean fall in love, love you forever, love you to the moon and back....

Love isnt supposed to be a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person. : attraction that includes sexual desire : the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship. : a person you love in a romantic way. -  NO , it is lot more.....

#Love means to give yourself to someone, like you never had  before.....yes, you sell your soul, your heart, your trust, you beleives your hope...and you give it for #free, unconditionaly to the person. You feel protected, you feel safe, you feel free, you feel loved...until the person betrayes you, lies to you , distroys you,

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Changes or to let go

When life comes to the point, where you don’t know how to proceed further, is time for #change!

Yeah, but how to start? Where to start? What to change?  Many of us are facing some difficulties in our life and when we feel stuck, when we feel trapped, the only way to get out of it, is to change our life. But what is it, that we need to change? The way we live? Our #job? Our #friends? Our partner? Or simple just our way of thinking….but here is a thing…what if we do not need to change our life to get out from the trap where we live….we just simple need to let go……To let go our fear, our negative thinking, our worry…..or our #Love….

Sometimes is good to sit down in a quiet place and just look inside our soul and heart. Not to analyze but to think about what we really want! Not others, not our loved once, but ME! Say it out loud: ME!

We are not here to please others, but to please ourselves…so we can say, I AM HAPPY! Truly #happy… and yes this require 2 tings! TO make CHANGES and TO LET GO….toxic, negative, people …..from those who can’t see the good things in you, who doesn’t appreciates you and who won’t stand by you no matter what!

MAKE CHANGES and LET GO…..do it now, before is too late! Be BOLD! BE YOU!

Part 6 - SETTLING DOWN IN KUSADASI TURKEY

Sometimes is hard to believe when you wake up in a different country, that there is no time limit anyomre like it used to be when you are on holiday. You don`t have to be worried that you have only 2 weeks or 3 day left from your relaxing time. You don`t have to try to go to every bar and club before you go to get more and more memoriable time....NO. I knew, I`m now here. I will stay. :)

On our way to  get  to the apartment I was exited. Exited, because it was my husband who chose the flat for us. I haven`t seen it before, but I trusted to his judgment. When we arrived there, it was sorrunded with many tall block of flats, with a nice parks around us, shops, supermarkets and of course with a veiw to the sea. Our aparment was on the top floor, with a huge balcony. We took the lift to go to the 4th floor. My heart was beating fast from the exitment. My husband oppend the door but befor that he has asked me to close my eyes. He hold my hand and guieded me to the apartment....and voala! It was huge! Four rooms, 2 bathrooms and a large kitchen. The walls were painted with different colours in each rooms and a greekish motives on them, with arches in the living room. "WOW! This is huge honey! Why do we need so big aparment?" - asked him a bit supprised as I thought for a start and for only 2 of us it will be only a small apartment. "Dont you like it honey? I thought it will be nice when your parent, friends and my parents are coming to see us!" - he said.....well, yeah, I guess he was right, but something was telling me that we wont be too long here......

After my second visit in summert in 2010 I knew, this is the MAN for me. I knew, he will be next to me all my life and I felt, YES, he is the man I want to live rest of my life! :)  Before I went back to UK, my husband to be kept telling me: "You will be my wife, my beautiful women! One year this time you will be my wife!"

Of course, I was smiling and I was thinking, this man must me crazy! Yes, I felt the same about him, but I did  not want to say it out loud not mention that I did not want to give him the impression that YES, you are thinking exactly the same way like I do! .....but guess what....in 2011 in July 26th we got married! :)

Coming home from the hospital, knowing, that we lost our baby was the hardest part in my life. I thought I could deal with it somehow and got used to while I was in the hospital, but this pain will never go away. 

When we went for a check up and our doctor could not hear the babies heart beat, I was shocked. I kept telling myself, maybe she is just not in a right position, maybe she is just not turned the way that we can hear her heart beating.....but all my hope was just a mislead....she was dead.

Slowly we start arrange and buying things in our new home! Our first new home in Kusadasi, in Turkey. I really felt, that I  belong here, that this is my second home! :) We pushed furnitures from one side to another, we put away some stuff that we did not needed, we cleand the apartment and was discussing what and where we gona put and buy....went out for walk to see what kind of shops are around us, what and where we can buy for a good price. 

Day by day I got to know the city and the area. Day by day I learned different routes to go to the city centre and funny but day by day I felt, this wont be too long our home....

Slowly we start meeting people and making friends. Going out after work for a drink while the season did not start propertly. Get to know the Turkish life style and the culutre.....and here I was...here we were.....started to settle in Kusadasi.

  

Part 5 - MEETING HIM AGAIN

Is hot. Really hot. I thought I will be ok with it as I`m coming from a country where in summer time is 35C....but this was a bit different. My legs were swallen, my head was spinning, but still kept myself together and just go with the flown.

After breakfast my husband left as we need to rent a car to go to Kusadasi. That`s the place where our home will be from now on.  The city where we will build our future. I want pregnant then and we did not even plant to have a baby then. We wanted to settle and estabilish our future first. We knew, that we will have to work hard but within one year, we will be able to have a child. My husband wanted a girl, so much. Maybe because a girl would be the first girl in the family after having 5 grandchildren. He was telling me how he would dress her, how he would look after her, how he would walk hand in hand with her.:)...basically if it`s a baby it has to be a girl......and yes, she was a girl.....

When he called me after 2 weeks, we agreed that I will come over again and try to spend more time with him, then I have done before. I felt I have to go back and I have to know him better. So I did. Within 1 month time I was back there.

I remember the day when I have arrived. He could not come to pick me up as he was so busy a work, but he did order a big VIP Mercedes for me with a driver. Felt so important and so proud.
Oooh gosh! I could not wait to see him! Somehow i had the feeling that he will be dressed in black and white, so I did dress up the same....and I was right! Damn, I was so right!
When the Mercedes arrived to the place, the driver took out my suitcase and told me to follow him. My heart was beating so fast! My legs were shaking.....and there he was! In black and white! My man! :)

On our way to Kusadasi, we were enjoying each others company. Listen to Adele and enjoyed driving in the  huge jip that he rented out for me. :) Yes, I was so happy and over the moon. Wow! I could not ever ever dream or think that one day I will be driving a car in Turkey with such a handsome husband next to me and will live in Turkey! :) Was so exited and had lots of adventure ahead me.  Drivinga  through different villages, towns and cities felt so good. Felt good because I had oportunity to get to know Turkey a little bit.Could see different places, could see different part of Turkey, not only they holiday resorts..

Arriving to Kusadasi, was exiting. We had 3 days to find our flat, where we will builed our future together.
I have to say it was not easy. We arrived at the time, when the season has started, so many workers has arrived and took the best and cheapest apartments. We were really struggeling to find something for ourselfs.
The only thing that kept us going was, that we have to find a place no matter what.....and eventually we will..

...and we did....found our home!....

Part 4 -WITH MY NEW FAMILY....

Finaly arrived home to Denizli. It was 2am. Nobody carred it was late, nobody was actually under the imperssion, that is 2am in the monring and it would be nice to go to sleep ; no  no no  no.....somehow we just didnt feel for it. All of us was happy and so exited as I have arrived to my new family :)
After having tea and some left over from the borek, we went to sleep. Could not wish for more just to be in my husband arms again. I did not believe that when I wake up in the morning, I sitll will be next to him, and it will be every single day from now on.

When I was back 2 weeks now in London after my holiday had a very strange feeling. I felt my phone will ring soon and I will hear again from my housband to be. It was end of June and was funny because that time in London was really hot. Hot and weekend just begunn. After hard work I went home and this feeling just did not want to go away. Other already made a joke and said, he wont call....but deep down i knew he will.

I gone to the shop and left my phone at home. Was not a big fun of mobile phones and I am not even now. When came back my phone was flushing.....and when I checked it, it was a forigner number with a message. I listend to the message and what a suprise!!!!! It was him! The MAN who I was wating for to call. I just sat there and listen to the message over and over again :).....until I have decided to call him.

Funny how to people can connect with each other. How two people can be a mirror for each other. It maybe was our destiny to meet , but it was even more believeable when we find out that our birthday are only one day different. We knew, we do belong each other......:)

The next day when I woke up, my husband suprised me with a beautiful bunch of flowers as it was my birthday....and it did not stopped here:) As he knew I dont wish anything else more then a good relaxing massage, he did book one for me. I was over the moon! I knew, he loves so much and he would do anything in the world for me....but I was not awere of the rest that followed the massage....

When the lady finished, she asked me to rest there for a while. Within 5 min my husband knocked on the door. He asked me if I am dressed up and when I said yes, the door widly opend and the ladies brought a beautiful chocolate cake with candles singing HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ....:) I had tears in my eyes, as no one before did something like this for me.....

Being with my new family in Turkey made me feel, like I never left mine. My new parents were the same just like my lovely parents back home. I was happier then every before. I knew, being there and give me the love, would be the same just like my husband would be with my family back home.

Did not care how we gona live. Did not care where we gona live. I knew, that with my husband by my side I can do anything. Anything we want.

When we lost our baby, I have realized that how much he loves me, how much he really cares about me. When I went to a labour, he did not move even for one mintue from me. He was sitting there holding my hand all nite and breathing through the pain with me.....the pain that we had double then other couples have....the pain that we felt so deep and so strong...in our heart, in our soul in our body.....the pain that no one can understand when you loosing your unborn child...

Part 3 - LOVE AT THE FIRST SIGHT

I was back in my London office and felt that I have left something behind in Turkey. I felt that I was not fully myself and that something is missing from me. People kept telling me," you were one of the 100 women who was attracked to him, get over him. He will never call or speak to you again." But i knew, they are wrong. I knew we have not finished it there and then....he will call.

When  we were driving on the motor way, I could not breath enough air in from the happines I felt. My husband is next to me, my life takes huge change and this will be my new home now. The motorway was busy and the hot air was hiting my face, but I did not care. On our way we stopped to re fresh ourself and to have something to eat and drink. My mother in law was prepared  the table and she reminded my mum to me. When I was a little girl, we had so many pick nick trips. By watching my mother in law I knew, even if I have my parents 3000km away, I know, there are always here with me because my in laws were just like them. In my mother in law I saw my mum and my nan, In my father in law I saw my dad and my grandad.

We pulled over the car in to a parking area where mostly families are resting during long jurney. Within a minute my MIL was ready with the table. Frehs made borek, olives, cheese and not last the good turkish tea. It was almost 1am but did not care about the time. I was with my love, with the person to whom I promised I will never leave.



So after being in Turkey  for 2 weeks on holiday i was sitting in my office, continouing doing the work where I have left it before I gone. I did not bother about my phone, but deep down I knew one day it will ring.

"Can you please give me your telephone number?" said my husband to be. I laughed, but I told him, "sure, no problem". However he was a bit suprised, when I have not asked his. Not even an email address. His face was full of questions but from his eye I saw one thing: I know you will come back to me, You are so beautiful.

My husband was just like a child when you get him a present. He was so happy knowing that I am with him. He was kissing my hand, my lips, my face and kept saying to : "you dont know how much I love you"'. I never thought I will be so in love with someone one day. Never thought I  can find my mirror in someone. But we knew from the moment we saw each other. It was love at the first sight.